My Broken Heart

Today a little piece of my heart broke, my daughter, my smallest baby started school. It was hard the first time round but second and final time round it has broken my heart!

My son walked her in to school, as proud as punch to be showing his little sister the way. They ran around the playground together until it was his time to go in.

A little bit early we headed to her playground, she was desperate to get in, we were early but her amazingly lovely teacher ushered her in with a smile.  As my daughter walked into her classroom, confident and proud, I knew her journey in school life had begun and she was as ready as she'd ever be.

It's funny, our school isn't classed as 'Outstanding' but the teachers have been amazing and I cannot wait for her to grow as my son has, she already had so many stories to tell and she's only been there a day.

I kissed her and left, having expected to stay for half an hour I felt a little forlorn, lost and sad that she didn't need me. As tears streamed down my face her teacher said I could stay, but I knew my daughter wouldn't need me, her teacher smiled and told my husband to take me for a cup of tea, we laughed and I walked across the playground with the tears rolling at an ever faster pace.

We got back to the car and my husband went to work, I chatted to another mum for a few minutes and then got back into my car, I sat and sobbed for ages, finally pulling myself together to drive to see my old next door neighbour for a few hours.

When I got home the house was quiet, normally there is someone in the house but no noise was strange, even when I am up before everyone else there is a creak or snore. For the last four and a half years my daughter has been with me Monday to Wednesday and it felt lonely. I know it will change, I will work more and i'll have things to occupy me but oh my heart aches.

I adore my children, they are kind beyond words and I couldn't be more proud of these wonderful little people. My heart will always ache but I will enjoy the time I have with them more, those special moments will be more special.

Here is to all those parents going through the same this week.

End of the Road

This week has been emotional, I breastfed my daughter for the last time.

After many long days debating the pros and cons of stopping, it was clear what I had to do.

I feel very sad, almost heartbroken about stopping but my body has had enough and needs to be on the pill.

Each month my periods get worse and I know deep down my endometriosis is coming back.

The familiar pains with some added symptoms, my acne has been a sticking point too. Getting to the point I can't face seeing people.

And finally my PMT, if my family can have a slightly saner me then I think that stopping and going on the pill is the way forward.

To my precious daughter, we had 17 months of breastfeeding bliss. I have loved looking into your beautiful eyes whilst you lay against me. But being a happy, healthy mummy is probably what you need more than one feed before bedtime.

Poorly Mummy!

So I have been neglecting my poor blog for the last few days, but it isn't my fault I am genuinely quite poorly :(

I have something called Pleurisy, no it isn't that I can't describe more than one thing but instead a nasty inflammation of the lining of the lungs and chest (the pleura)!

It is agony, I can't breath, sneeze or cough without yelping out in pain!

So having not done a Favourite Recipe Friday for a few weeks I thought instead I would just link to some of my current favourite recipes...

We bought some rather yummy braising stake from a local butchers and I have been either doing this spicy plum curry or a gorgeous stew from Jamie Oliver.

I am also loving this gorgeous sounding Banana Loaf from Recipes of a Normal Mum, I have some rather ripe bananas I am going to give it a try with later.

With some strong antibiotics I am hoping my poor pleura will be better soon ;)

Hardest job in the world?

Being a mum is hard, it starts from the moment you wake up and doesn't stop till you finally manage to fall asleep that night!

Sometimes whilst everyone else is asleep you think about mum things, washing, money, dinner, getting up and getting everyone dressed, whether everyone has pants and socks!

Ok so looks like this is one of those posts with too many exclamation marks!!!!

I don't mind all of this but it would just be nice to have a little bit of time without a 'have you done the ironing', 'mummy can I have a biscuit', 'mummy this dinner smells like dog poo' (I kid you not that is what my 3 year old said tonight!)

I tweeted tonight that I was sat on the landing having five minutes to myself whilst I ran the kids a bath, this is just pants!

I don't get many of these moments, I like to think it's when I am having a shower but then I am thinking about the children and what they are up to, when I am having a wee I have the door open in case someone needs me! I have lost count of the times I have sat talking to a child who has come to see what I am doing whilst sitting on the loo.

I often sit in the car outside the house if the kids have fallen asleep on the journey home, read my emails, have a look on twitter, it's better than carrying two rather heavy lumps into the house!

As I walk through the house picking up this, moving that I just long for five minutes to sit and think. To drink a hot drink in peace, now I have gone back to work this is about the only time I get to myself and that is even sadder.

The hours are long and the money none existent but the love and snuggles makes up for that, I just think that you should get some time off every once in a while.

For one day only!

Well today I am at work, for one day only until I am back properly in January they get the joy of me bleating on like a housebound mad woman!

Gone will be the baby talk and instead I get to put my old independent and rude woman hat on for a few hours, not sure I have a desk so I may just end up being an overpaid tea girl.

I am looking forward to it but at the same time I am really nervous, it is one step closer to having to go back to work which i'm not really looking forward too. I love spending time with my daughter and she is so little I can't imagine leaving her. It was hard enough with my son and to go through it again is just mean!

Anyway, I have decided that I will just make the most of my "day off" from being a mummy and put on a pencil skirt and some high heels instead.

This is my first 'keep in touch day' since I left for maternity leave back in January, I just hope I can get the cogs working as I am pretty sure I have lost a few braincells in the vacuum or washing machine since then ;)

And just to help me even more the chuffing smoke alarm decided it needed new batteries at 4am this morning.....bugger, anyone got any matchsticks!