Mental Health and Me

Last week I spoke to someone from the Let's Talk team in Nottingham, having suffered with unexplained pain for the last 8-9 months it has taken it's toll. There is no fuse anymore not even a short one, I lose my temper over silly things quite quickly and worry about everything, from the bee on the floor dying to sending my son to school with a grape in case he chokes.

I have no idea why I am this way or have started with these fears and feelings, but something is obviously wrong so I have been referred for CBT (Cognitive Behaviroual Therapy).

I saw a counsellor when I was at school and after the birth of my son a Perinatal Mental Health Nurse came to see me to help me with my PND.

So I guess I am predisposed to mental health problems but what with the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia (although this is something that can never be 100% diagnosed) it has just gotten to much, thoughts and feelings that I shouldn't be having are there again.

Day's, although that is all they are, where the darkness sets in and I feel close the edge of a pit I know only too well.

Staring at the ever further away light at the end of the tunnel, but I know I need to be better for my children.

I used to use my blog to post about my feelings but it got a little like I was talking to myself, but maybe that is who I need to talk too.

More to come on my journey with some CBT and Fibromyalgia and if anyone has been through CBT I would love to hear more about whether it helped or not.

Today I need music!

Today the tears keep secretly falling, it’s a bad day I guess! Thankfully these days are few and far between, since my daughter was born a hole was filled and both her and my son make me smile both inside and out every day.

But today we found out my son didn’t get in at our preferred schools, adding to that my daughter being poorly, my husband going away for a week and  being up since 4.45 things could be better.

I feel weepy, in fact I just want to stand up shout f’ it, walk out of the office and listen to obscenely loud music in the car. But I won’t as that isn’t going to solve anything.

When I suffered with PND after my son these days became weeks, it was hideous and I know for my children’s sake I have to get up, shake myself off and deal with this stuff. After all I am the only parent for a week, I have wine and chocolate and crap on the telly, I can get through this. I have my beautiful babies to take out and spend time with I can be strong.

I also have music, my one thing for the bad days is music and I have said this so many times before. If I need empowering, cheering up, anger releasing there is always a song I can find to do it too.

For example I love ‘Run the World (Girls)’ by Beyonce it’s a great song if you need to feel empowered, Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit is my go to angry song and any Trance music is my, make me happy and dance like no one is watching music.

I love music, if I could have it playing in my head all day I would! One day eh ;)

PS. There will be no Favourite Recipe this Friday just me babbling on, however there is still an opportunity to win a recipe books on last weeks if you’d like to enter….. http://www.themummydiary.co.uk/2012/04/favourite-recipe-friday-and-recipe-book.html

Today is a 'bad' day!

Although I don't officially suffer from PND this time round I still have bad days.

Dark days where I could just run away, or worse, drive the car into wall!

I try to stay positive but after weeks of sleep deprivation I am at the end of my tether today.

Everything winds me up, I can lose it over nothing. I tend to turn into a snarling grot bag muttering profanities to myself!

I think I need a good cry and scream but where am I supposed to do this? I think I've said this before I need a special place I do do this!

Would anyone else pay for a place like this? You know a place you can listen to a song 'loud', dance, scream do whatever you need just to release tension!

As long as this bad day doesn't turn into a bad week I'll be OK, but today it feels like the light isn't on at the end of the tunnel.

My room is full and no matter how loud I scream no one can hear me :(

Depression, a family affair!

So I woudn't normally write two blog posts in a day, afterall i'm a busy lady right, but I really needed to get this out of my head and into words, I am sorry if it goes on and if you manage to read all of it thank you.

I have suffered with depression for many years, probably since I was about 11, the exact moment was when I went to secondary school. I was put into a form with none of my friends, I was lonely and a target for the class bullies.

I started not eating and when I did eat I ate very little, then at about 13 I found that cutting myself gave me a sense of joy. From the outside it all sounds very silly and if you haven't ever done it you really cannot understand the feeling you get from seeing your wrists cut and the pain from cutting them.

I remember once finding a bit of long grass stuff that was quite sharp and I whipped it joyfully across my arms till they were covered in little two or three inch cuts, so many that people noticed and I had to be more careful but it was a great feeling at the time.

Anyway to cut a long story short, I spent the rest of my teenage years cutting and scratching myself in times of upset (which sadly there were a lot of).

At about 15 I fell 'in love' and had a steady boyfriend but towards the end of relationship when we grew apart and he started going out with other women behind my back I started hitting myself in the head. Don't ask why but I would just hit myself in the head, maybe hoping I would kill myself I don't really know!

I did this up until I found the miracle contraceptive pill that changed me, I became chilled and pretty much anger free until after I had my son.

I was diagnosed with post natal depression about four months after my son was born, after a traumatic birth and a very ill husband I had pretty much had enough and would think about how I would end it all (apparently the way in which I would do it is normally a man's way out, thanks I think) . However, I knew my son needed me and I decided to get help and was put on anti-depressants and saw a community support nurse every other week.

So why all the sudden am I thinking about this, well I went to see my mum today and she said she thinks she's depressed. This makes me so sad, so sad I am sat here with tears streaming down my face, I love her and know how it feels to be stuck in the despair of depression and I don't want her to feel this way.

My dad also suffers with depression (which I found out shortly after I had been put on antidepressants after having my son), yet he doesn't seem to have noticed she seems down and this makes me so flipping sad.

I had my husband to confide in and although he really didn't seem to understand at least I could cry at him and get all the crap filling my head out into the open.

Gosh I hate this illness, I mean I really hate it! The mind is such a complicated thing and I really hope my children don't suffer from it, my grandpa on my dads side was 'commited' but whether it is nature or nurture I have no idea.

All I can do is be there for my children and help them if they need me, sadly my parents although lovely and I'd do anything for them, they literally had no idea how to help me through depression. I once stood in the kitchen so angry at being bullied that I grabbed a knife and held it to my wrist in in a fit of anger. My dad said 'go on then do it' , this takes tough love to the extreme and I hope he can be more use to my mum and I to my children.

Thanks if you made it this far, I just needed somewhere to vent this.

So many things, so little time!

I have so many things buzzing around in my head today that I'm not really sure what to right about. Is there something the opposite of writers block?

So here is a list of those things, most of which are stupid and pointless but for some reason they are still swimming around my head.

I feel like I need a good cry but I don't have the time or space to do it!

1. I am going into work on Friday, this has bought home the closeness of going back in January and that my baby is growing up so quick.

2. I keep thinking about the comment my husband made the other day 'what are your jobs around the house'. I feel hurt as I am always trying to keep on top of the cleaning, tidying, washing, ironing, decorating, cooking and general looking after everyone.

3. My daughter won't eat and has dropped down the percentile chart thingy quite a lot.

4. Money is too tight to mention!

5. My sons pre school booster jabs are next week.

6. We have two parties on Saturday!

7. I really have no idea what the people are camping in the Market Square for but know how long Kim Kardashian was married before splitting up.

Taken when I went into town the other day.

8. The toilet keeps blocking as it has done for the last five years and yet is never been fixed. Maybe I should add to my list of things I do around the house.

9. My parents health isn't great, but I don't see them enough for it to be something we properly talk about.

10. Business had been horrendous, we've had the worst month ever and I'm not really sure what to do any more.

11. The fridge saga is still on going, apparently they delivered doors on the 10th. Not here though so we are still waiting!

So I know in the scale of things this is all pretty trivial and I know I could be worse off. But right now I feel I am on the precipice of depression which is a road I do not want to go down again! It cost me so many happy days with my son and both him and my daughter need me.

Right duty calls, lunches to make and washing to put on!